Rev Roc Ramey

Highway to Heaven:

by Kirsten Person Ramey Ed.D.

There is a common (figurative) belief that men and women hail from two different planets based on our distinct styles of communication. As a doctoral level counselor, I couldn’t agree more that men and women tend to present with opposite forms of communication. While most women openly engage in a deep exploration of feelings, men often rely on actions to suggest their beliefs, opinions, and feelings. At the other end of the spectrum, our population of young people communicate in a manner unlike both Venus and Mars….they use silence. Although some teens (including mine) do a wonderful job of verbally expressing their feelings, this is not something that comes naturally within the parent-child relationship. Teens need modeling, and what better person(s) to model healthy communication than their own parent(s). If men are from Mars and women are from Venus according to their communication, I propose that young people are from Heaven. Use the following acronym to develop, nurture, and maintain healthy communication with your teen/tween son or daughter. These steps are based on my book, “Got Five!”

H- Have two listening ears. Parents and caretakers, you have two ears for a reason….to listen. Many people go through life believing that the most important part of communication is talking, when in fact it is listening. By using reflective listening, adults assure young people that we care deeply about what they have to say. I remind parents that if we are willing to listen to everything, young people will feel comfortable talking to us about anything!

E- Earn their trust through your consistent behavior. Our kids live in a fast paced and often dangerous world. They need direction, guidance, and boundaries. All three are by products of our consistent behavior as caretakers. When we consistently uphold our expectations, it takes the guesswork away; young people develop security from our consistency.

A- Avoid the “Know it All” syndrome. Yes, we have wisdom and experience on our sides as adults, but we must also be willing to learn from our experiences on the parenting journey. Having an “I told you so” mentality devalues the learning process. Young people make mistakes, everyone does. By carefully redirecting our children rather than belittling them, we give them room to grow and learn from past shortcomings without harsh judgement.

V- Visualize their greatness. When parents have realistic, yet positive expectations about their kids, the best will manifest. When parents are willing to see the best in their kids they tend to treat them differently; their words are more positive. This leads to a positive response from the young person. While there may be some anti-social young people who walk the face of the earth, for the most part, it’s difficult to remain a menace when a parent consistently views you as a contributing member of society. By no means am I suggesting denial. I am suggesting that parents recognize strengths and focus on building those rather than exclusively focusing on weak areas in their children.

E- Evaluate their perceived world. Young people have a unique vantage point that usually differs remarkably from the experience of the average adult. In developing and maintaining a healthy relationship with them, we must be careful to understand how they see their world. This will answer many questions about why they do what they do, or say what they say.

N- Never remove your hand; never speak a curse. These steps represent the “touching,” and “tasteful words” chapters in my handbook, “Got Five!” Young people need positive affirmations through loving touch and positive words. When parents remember to speak positively over the lives of their children on a daily basis, they remind their children that they are valued.

Parenting is a journey; a highway if you will. Things move rapidly and at times we don’t enjoy the process of getting to our destinations of emotional health. If we view our children as gifts then we realize that we are simply on a highway to heaven and we start to enjoy the ride!

About the author: Dr. Kirsten is a licensed professional counselor in the state of Georgia. As a wife and mother of four daughters, she uses strength based therapeutic interventions to encourage healthy family preservation. She is the author and creator of “Got Five!” a system for growing.